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Travels With An Airhead

The Election

— by Notch Miyake

After watching the debates on TV, I have decided not to run for president. My campaign motto is "If nominated, I will not run. If elected, I will not serve." I know everyone thinks I stole this motto from George Bush. But his motto was actually, "If elected, I will cut taxes for the wealthy, get that sucker Saddam, and bail out my buddies on Wall Street."

I actually stole my motto from presidential candidate Sarah Palin. So far she is living up to her campaign promises. And, no, I didn't leave out the "vice-". Let's face it, John McCain won't make it through the first week in the Oval Office with the mess George is leaving him. They really have to get the White House dog housebroken.

But, to return to my campaign. If I am not elected, I will address the most serious problems facing our nation. Like the environment. I am sure every one noticed that there was a serious environmental problem at the Rally. The hole in the green recycling bin lid is too small to fit a 20 oz Budweiser bottle, much less a bottle of peppermint schnapps.

Think of the thousands of 20 oz Budweiser and peppermint schnapps bottles that ended up in the landfill instead of being recycled into extra virgin olive oil bottles. (I tried to get one of those extra virgins, but they were all out on the day I asked. And the line was too long the next day.)

But, to return to the issue. If we keep dumping 20 oz Budweiser and peppermint schnapps bottles in the landfill, it will soon overflow. Then we will have to cut taxes for the wealthy to stimulate the economy.

If I am not elected, I will see to it that the holes in the recycling bin lids are large enough for a peppermint schnapps bottle to fit through easily. I will personally ask Dave Jones to make the holes bigger, but not in those exact words.

As we all know, it is hard enough to ask Dave Jones to do anything when he is sober, much less after he has been collecting trash all day. And he prefers 12 oz bottles of beer, anyway, which fit perfectly through the holes. And he ought to know, since he puts dozens of bottles through those holes every day. And if those a**h***s drinking peppermint schnapps want to recycle their bottles, they can bring their own g**d*** bin. And so on.

Anyway, if I am not elected, I will restore the economy to its former glory. I am sure you noticed the lack of beef on the menu on Sunday night. This is clearly the result of the failed economic policies of the previous administration.

If I am not elected, I promise you will have beef on Sunday night and a chicken in every pot. No. I'm just kidding. No chicken, just the beef. We will do this by hiding all the profit we made from cutting out beef this year from the IRS. So they won't revoke our non-profit status and make us pay taxes. Which will guarantee we will be eating pork and beans on Sunday night.

I will personally ask Chuck Winterberger to cook the books, but not in those exact words. Look, Chuck, it's done all the time. Look at all those guys on Wall St. They did it and got bailed out by the Bush administration. Plus they got a nice golden parachute. No, you won't go to jail. We might even get the feds to pay for the steaks if we work it right.

Vote early and vote often, but not for me.

— Copyright © 2008 by Notch Miyake.

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