Travels With An Airhead

The Motorcyclist's Diet, Part 2

— by Notch Miyake

As promised, this month I will describe The Motorcyclist's Diet and reveal how you can lose 10 to 30 lbs in less than a week. Guaranteed.

As you know, our bodies are made up of bones, blood, muscle and fat. If we want to lose weight, we must somehow reduce one or all of these body parts. The traditional way of losing weight is to target fat, on the theory that if we reduce the amount of fat in our bodies, we would weigh less.

The trouble with this theory is that fat weighs less by volume than all the other stuff, like blood and bones. So we have to go to a lot of trouble for a relatively small weight loss. But if we reduced the amount of bone, which is the densest part of the body and weighs the most, we could lose a lot of weight fast.

And, when you think about it, we have a lot of useless bones in our body. For example, you could get rid of every other rib and never notice it. The reason women usually weigh less than men is because they have fewer ribs. So this strategy for women is not as effective, but you see my point. Unfortunately, medical insurance does not cover excess rib removal even though they cover the removal of other useless things like tonsils and appendixes.

Blood also weighs a lot, but if you get rid of too much, you might die. The most you can take out is about a liter, which is only about two pounds. That's the trouble with developing a weight loss program. Your options are severely limited.

So we are back to muscle and fat. The best way to reduce muscle is to not move for long periods of time. Most of us have been practicing staying immobile over the winter and have already reduced our muscles as much as possible.

So that leaves us with only fat to work on, which I pointed out earlier as a very unsatisfactory way to lose weight. Fat reduction requires a lot of effort for very little actual weight loss.

But, enough scientific background. The Motorcyclist's Diet is very simple: You must swim 2.4 miles, bicycle 112 miles and run 26.2 miles every day for the first week. You are allowed to drink as much water as you like, but you are allowed to eat only while exercising (as much as you like, of course). It is scientifically proven, with thousands of subjects, that you will lose a minimum of ten pounds a day on this diet. Guaranteed.

The benefits of weight loss are many: Your gas mileage will improve which is very important with gas prices at $2 a gallon. Those potholes will cease to be a kick in the ass because of the increased suspension travel. And the improved acceleration will allow you to make those hills without downshifting.

As we begin the riding season, I wish you many great roads. Ride far, ride safe.

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