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Travels With An Airhead

Taxing Times

— by Notch Miyake

Our webmeister suggested I discuss taxes in the April newsletter. He was so impressed by last month's column on Euchre, he thought I might also have some useful strategies as you prepare your annual submission of the Great American Novel (a.k.a. Form 1040).

Actually, preparing your taxes is probably the only interesting thing to do between the Super Bowl and your first ride in the spring. Unless you actually like watching figure skating, ski jumping and golf on TV.

In general, you cannot claim your motorcycle as a dependant, even if you have named it something like Wolfgang or Adolph. Just because it has its own bedroom next to yours, does not mean that it qualifies as a member of your household.

If you need more dependants you could try a pet. Lots of people do this and get away with it. A chimp works pretty good. But if the IRS inspector tells you that it looks a lot like you, you might have other problems to deal with.

I want it known that, in principle, I am not opposed to paying taxes. The government needs our taxes to pay for stuff like the Defense Department, which is always ready to defend our country by going to places like Iran and blowing things up on national TV. It?s a lot more fun than watching figure skating, ski jumping and golf.

Our taxes also paid for the Interstate Highway System so that Gold Wing owners can have someplace to ride. And they paid for all those traffic lights so that we can exercise our constitutional right to split lanes and piss off the four-wheelers. (Caution: Boxers are a little wide for this activity.)

Our taxes pay for our leaders, like Ronald Reagan, who desperately increased the medical research budget in search of Viagra. They eventually found it, but, sadly, too late for Reagan.

Although he really needed it, George Bush never used Viagra. You could tell by his twitchy motions and the pained look on his face.

Bill Clinton didn?t need Viagra, as he proved by not having sex with Monica. As he said, "It's like, you know, not SEX."

Then the Republican Congress overdosed on Viagra and impeached Clinton. (Too much of that stuff and you will screw anything.) Clinton's approval rating immediately shot up to the highest levels of his presidency.

So you see, taxes are a lot more fun than watching figure skating, ski jumping and golf.

— Copyright © 2000 by Notch Miyake.

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